Idiopathic: adj (id-ē-o-ˈpath-ik) : arising spontaneously or from an obscure or unknown cause
That's what my gastroparesis is, idiopathic. They have absolutely no idea what caused it, where it came from, or if it will just as spontaneously disappear. I truly hope that the last is the case. Most of us with GP have diabetes, I do not. The Vegus nerve that controls my stomach contractions has just decided to send pain signals instead of contract signals. This is one of the most frustrating parts about my disease. Not knowing.
I have now been on a liquid diet for about three weeks - consisting of broths, instant breakfasts', smoothies made from juice and yogurt, and any other liquid I can consume in 4 ounce increments. I have lost at least 10 lbs, thrown up, gotten nauseous, been in pain, gotten dizzy, and learned more than I ever wanted to know about this invisible disease. It's called an invisible disease because if you just looked at me, you would never know that I was sick. You would have no clue that I struggle to digest liquids, that I am exhausted all of the time, and that there are moments that I'm in so much pain I want to scream. I hide all of this from the outside world because I keep telling myself that I'm not sick. That this is temporary. I will get better. I have to believe that I will because believing the opposite can only make me feel worse. I am lucky to have such great support from my family, friends, and co-workers. As much as they try, they can only slightly comprehend what a daily struggle this is. I long to take a bite of that food that smells so good. My jaw aches to crunch on a pickle or bite an apple. I could. Technically, I could eat anything I wanted, but I know that doing so will cause myself so much agony in the following hours that I restrain from doing so. Gastroparesis has consumed my life. I try not to talk about it all the time, yet my aching stomach does not let me forget. Sometimes we all just need to wallow so we have a hole to crawl back out of. That's what this is. I want to feel better and only by wanting it can I achieve it. It's like looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are beautiful over and over until you truly believe it. Telling myself that I'm feeling better will eventually lead to a day that I wake up and don't think about how crappy I feel.
This is my last post about while in a fowl mood. I will post updates on my progress and vow that even if they are not as pleasant as I hope, I will find that sliver of a silver lining in a truly baffling situation I find myself in.